Thirty Minute Pony Stories

Perhaps I’ll say a cryptic, open-ended sentence with several thousand ways to interpret my words to wake you up.

And perhaps I’ll say something else in a different voice to confuse you even further. Most likely I’ll point out flaws that will never be relevant, as if doubting your abilities.

And then I’ll tell you to wake up in a calm, feminine tone, for it is a very calming tone. I may also disagree with the latter voice. We will continue this confusing argument later, after he is allowed to know his situation.

A shock of pain forced Spike’s eyes open. Before him, he could see nothing. Below him, stained glass. For a moment, Spike thought that he was in a dream. He would have believed that it was another ice cream-induced hallucination, but Rarity was nowhere to be found. It was also too dark to call it a dream.

The last thing he could remember was wishing Twilight Sparkle a good night’s rest before falling asleep. He was most likely still asleep, but reliving a formulaic set of results he somehow memorized. It explained the unusual and unnecessarily confusing voices. This was probably the directions for a dreaming spell he stumbled upon and half-mindedly read as he handed Twilight the book.

Step forward, child of destiny. Show us how you can adroitly step forward with those feet.

For a moment, he thought that the words were directly above his head. Spike pulled himself up from the glass floor and walked forward, just like the voices told him.

Do you not see, Twilight Sparkle? He is ready.

No. He must continue to prove himself first.

A pedestal appeared before Spike. A sword stood before him, the tip jammed in a small, trapezoidal rock. Almost instinctively, Spike walked towards the sword. It was rather large sword for Spike, but something told him that it was an appropriate weapon to wield. It gleamed and shimmered in his eyes, even though there was no magnify with the sword’s sharpened edge.

He gripped the sword’s hilt and with a strained pull, he was able to lift the sword from the pedestal. The sword’s blade seemed to extend to twice his body length and grow larger than his body width, even though it appeared as a small arming sword moments before. Spike was still able to hold the improbably large sword with one hand.

“Twilight,” Spike said, his head searching for any sign of the unicorn amidst the darkness. “This is getting really weird. You can just show up and talk to me without sounding like an old book.”

We cannot do that. That will spoil Disc Three and the optional string of side-quests that follows. That may also spoil a spin-off story, depending on your interpretation of us.

Indeed, we cannot. The inexplicable amounts of plot threads deny us an opportunity to appear in our physical forms. Furthermore, that would mean more characters to flesh out and would thus force another romantic subplot.

Spike nodded, then rolled his eyes and ignored their explanation. “Seriously, what’s going on? And who’s that other pony you’re talking to?”

———[Time Limit]———

There is no time to explain that. Rarity is in danger, and our creator has surpassed the time allotted to give you an extremely vague reason why you are dreaming this.

That is correct. Go, child of destiny. If you ever need our help, open the menu with the Start button, select the “Psychic Link” option, and select the first option to speak to either Twilight Sparkle or myself.

A doorway rose from the stained glass floor. The doors flew open, revealing a blindingly bright light.

We shall do our best to assist you. But even if our powers are revealed to have a plot sequence-breaking effect on your journey, we will never do more than provide you with irritating clues and useless tidbits of information you already know about. Our words will also be terribly translated, because who cares about what we have to say.

Good luck, Spike. We hope that our continued guidance will help rescue your childhood love interest. I mean Rarity.

Dear Author,

I am puzzled and confused, but Mr. Obscure seems to understand what this story is about, and finds it pretty amusing, too. Earlier, he and Spike were chatting about things that sounded a lot like this, so I think Spike will probably enjoy it too. Thanks for the story!

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle