Thirty Minute Pony Stories

Nope! It’s not!

You’ve read all about love, Twilight. You know all the symptoms. And you’ve got none of them! Besides, that wouldn’t make any sense. How could you love her? That’s crazy!

Ever the consummate researcher, Twilight could answer her guest’s question within minutes. Yet the other mare didn’t leave.

I mean, look at her, Twilight. She’s chubby and her hair is a mess and… and… Okay, so you’re no Rarity. You can’t really think of any better criticisms than that. But still! Those are negative traits, right? I mean, I think she looks sorta… nice, but the books say those are detractive traits, so they must be. And you can only fall in love with perfect ponies.

Research party turned into tea party turned into dinner party. Pinkie Pie prepared a single plate of spaghetti for them both. Twilight had to eat very carefully to avoid any embarrassing mistakes.

She’s looking at me funny, yes, but really. What’s that supposed to prove? She probably just thinks I’m being silly by using a knife and fork. Or I’m imagining it.

Get ahold of yourself, Twilight. You’re a sensible mare. You’re rational. Sometimes I think I’m the only rational pony in this town. And Pinkie! She’s never been rational in her life. You’d be completely incompatible.

The sleepover party was hardly a surprise at this point. Spike quietly went to Sugarcube Corner to look after Gummy. Twilight and Pinkie retired to the bedroom. Pinkie anxiously danced on her hooves.

It’s not love. Why would you even be in love with her? What’s she got going for her? Yes, she’s hilarious, but that’s just a friendly thing, right? You haven’t read any romance novels about pranksters. And yes, she’s endlessly fascinating, but that’s who you are: a student. You love to explore the unknown. I mean, not love, no. Just… enjoy.

Conversation flowed easily, if confusingly. They spoke of rabbits and the pony condition and balloon tricks and the night sky and white frosting and kissing, and Twilight was never quite sure how the other mare managed to segue.

Okay… Okay, go back to basics, Twilight. You don’t have the symptoms of love. Your heart’s supposed to be going a million miles an hour; you’re sure it’s still only a hundred and twenty, a hundred and forty BPM. That’s only a little fast, that’s fine. You’re supposed to be sweaty and nervous and stuttering, but you can never really be anxious around her; she just makes everything fun. She’s supposed to be the only thing you can think about; that’s clearly not the case, because you’re thinking these words! You’re supposed to not be kissing her right now…

Well. Um.

Okay, okay. If you were in love you’d be analysing how she tasted and smelled and such now. And— well, she tastes strangely sweet, but then she does eat so much sugar— and she does smell amazing, warm and spicy like a bakery, and her mane is so soft and her eyes are so blue… but that’s got nothing to do with love, right? You’re a scientist. You take observations. You’re going to need to explain this event later, after all.

Pinkie pulled back, looking at Twilight with wide eyes, waiting for acceptance. Waiting for Twilight to do something. To say something. Anything.

If you were in love you would say something romantic here. Something deep and meaningful that displayed your inner feelings. Something that would show that you wanted to spend your life with her. Something like, “I love you,” or, “You’re beautiful,” or…

Twilight closed her eyes and leaned forward to kiss again.

Yeah. See? You couldn’t think of anything romantic. So it’s definitely not love. Quod erat demonstrandum.

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BSB Comments:

Hehe. This was really fun! I loved the juxtaposition of Twilight’s thoughts with what was going on, and how Twilight’s attempts to logic away her obvious infatuation dominated the piece. Twilight’s reasoning was really amusing, and it was great how she was determined to keep saying it wasn’t love even as she leaned in for another kiss. It’s not love! I’m not being romantic! I enjoyed this a good deal. Good work!