Thirty Minute Pony Stories

In a quiet country garden in sleepy Ponyville, somewhat off the beaten path and as far distant as it was possible to be from the Golden Oak Library without leaving town, five the willows gave shade to a gathering of friends.

A white-furred unicorn sipped jauntily from a frosty drink, further shaded by the latest in springtime hat fashion. “Girls, my beloved little Spikey-Wikey has assured me that our librarian friend is out of town and will remain so for a few days, and so I’ve gathered us here to discuss a matter most urgent, pertaining directly to our beloved Twilight.” Draining her mint julep somewhat further, she leaned into the circle of ponies, all of whom leaned in conspiratorially, hanging on her every word. She continued with a manic grin, “I have it on good authority that Miss Sparkle has taken a lover!”

The four ponies leaned back from her, exchanging deadly serious glances. Rarity seemed disquieted. “I thought this tidbit was exclusive gossip! Straight from the highest levels of the Canterlot rumor mills! I called us here to put our heads together, hoping we could divine the identity of her paramour.” Her companions broke out into knowing grins. “But… I thought it sounded so romantic! Like something out of a novel - that we, her dear friends, would subtly help poor naive Twilight find her special somepony.” Her expression drooped with disappointment. “Do you know something I don’t?”

“Sugar,” began Applejack with a smile as wide as her Stetson hat, “Twi don”t need no help findin’ romantic companionship. You remember that whole mess with her ‘Need ‘em, Want ‘em’ spell, or whatever it was?” Rarity nodded weakly. “Well, turns out mah brother Macintosh kept Twilight’s old Smarty Pants doll after the whole shindig was over. He thought it’d be a good excuse to introduce himself to our lavender friend.. She removed her trademark hat, running a hoof through her hay-blond mane. “Mac musta’ been right, cause Twi came to get her doll back that weekend. He told me not to use the South Barn that day, and from what ah could tell, he was… erm,” and she blushed redder than her cutie mark, “I guess you could say he was givin’ Twi a lot more than Smarty Pants.”

“No! Twilight and Big Macintosh?” Rarity gasped. “I had no idea! How has she kept it hidden all this time?”

“Well, she hasn’t. Ah reckon they, um, gave Smarty Pants back and forth for a couple of weeks, then decided they’d had enough. I asked him who got the doll in the end, and the big galoot never would say.”

“So Twilight’s mystery lover wasn’t in Canterlot after all,” sighed the fashionista as she finished her drink.

“Oh, but she is! And she is! They both are! And they’re both she’s!” piped in the effervescent pink earth pony.

Rarity was nonplussed. “Wait - Twilight has another lover? And it’s a mare?”

“Well, duh, unless somehow we got ruled by Prince Celestia!”

“Wait - the… the Princess?”

“Sure as I’m the permanent party pony! After the whole Changeling thing, and the wedding, and Celestia not believing Twilight, and the super big bug-thing-that-was-Cadance-and-then-it-wasn’t blasting Celestia right out of the sky, and Twilight freeing the real Cadance when Celestia couldn’t, and Celestia getting captured and covered in goo (which wouldn’t have been nearly so bad if it tasted like lime, because it was green good and should have tasted like lime),” and even Pinkie Pie needed to breathe once in a while, “after all that, apparently Princess Celestia needing some cuddling and comfies to feel better, and if the castle chefs are right, boy, did those two go through a lot of icing getting to the feeling better part. I think she’s still there, because I tried to throw a Party for Two for them, and Luna shooed me away, saying Twi and the Celestia had it all in hoof.”

Sounds almost like words came from Rarity’s mouth, but intelligible phrases were not among them. She began to swoon visibly.

Fluttershy’s meek voice strained to be heard. “Well, um, technically it’s her second Princess, if you count Nightmare Night.” Everyone turned to face her, curiosity widening their eyes. “Oh, well, after the party was over, Luna walked Twilight back to the library to thank her for teaching her about friendship and fun. Twilight invited her inside, and, um, well, my birdy friends said they couldn’t sleep in the tree branches that night because Luna was, er, thanking Twlight a lot. All night. The squirrels said they never wanted to hear the word “Huzzah!’ ever again.”

Moments later a dull grassy thud signaled Rarity’s merciful unconsciousness.

A deft popping sound signaled the end of Twilight Sparkle’s invisibility spell. “Thanks for playing along, girls! Now that’s how you prank!”

Applejack donned her hat once more. “No problem, sugarcube. Ah did feel kinda’ bad, tellin’ them stories to Rarity like that. Element o’ Honesty and all, you know. Funny as all get-out to see, but ah still don’t like lyin’ like that.”

Twilight smiled as she walked merrily back to her library home. “Oh Applejack! I’d never ask you girls to lie for me.”

“Well, that’s mighty kind o’ you, Twi, and..  wait, what?”

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Bookman’s Comments

Yessssss, all should fall under best pony’s sway. The stories were gutbusting, as was Rarity’s reaction. But the ending was the best part. Twilight’s just irresistible.