Thirty Minute Pony Stories

Mission Log, Day 729: The last few days have lent more to my understanding of the inhabitants of this planet than the three lunar cycles before it. I have now been able to witness the ponies’ courtship ritual firstclaw, and while I must account for the variance the Prime Subject inevitably introduces into any system, I am confident that I can make a proper description of the process.

Several days ago, I was in the midst of my annual onepehne; it was particularly strong this year, likely due to my lack of female contact on this extended mission. Still, minor inconveniences like that were worth the opportunity of this once-in-a-lifetime adventure, to study an alien race so closely… but I digress into matters I already covered much earlier in this log.

Needless to say, I was content with merely wrestling my hormones for a few days, but I made the mistake of leaving myself where the Prime Subject could find me. She took one look at the blue and orange colourations on my scales and immediately assumed that I had taken ill; at least, that is what I assumed from her sticking me into her bed and placing an oversized mercury-based thermometer into my jaw. Her usual brilliant grin was gone, replaced by very real concern for my well-being; despite my attempts to assert my independence, the Prime Subject still sees herself as my caretaker and guardian. After saying something in a reassuring tone, she ran off, and I didn’t see her for an hour.

When the Prime Subject returned, she did not return alone; she was accompanied by the Yellow Subject, whose eyes widened when she saw me tucked into bed. Yellow Subject is one of the winged ponies – I think the word they use for it is “pegasus” – and with one flap of her third set of appendages, she launched herself to my side. She performed a battery of medical tests, checking my temperature, my reflexes, even my pupils. She did not appear to find anything wrong with me – unsurprising, as nothing was – and turned to the Prime Subject. The Prime Subject grew more distraught at first, but the Yellow Subject’s words had a calm, reassuring quality that quickly made the Prime Subject quiet down.

My grasp of the pony language is still quite limited, but I caught the words “stay here” in the Yellow Subject’s speech, and that was exactly what she did; for the rest of my onepehne, she was a guest of the Prime Subject, with the seeming blessing of the Prime Subject’s masters. As my condition did not require much active care, the Yellow Subject spent much of the time talking to the Prime Subject; from what I have seen in my time here, the two ponies have not talked much at all, despite a mutual fondness for each other.

It was then that I began to see some of the universal signs of courtship, though at the time, I distrusted my own eyes, thinking that the onepehne was impairing my judgement and seeing things that weren’t there. The Prime Subject brought all sorts of food to the Yellow Subject, the sorts of dishes that I have seen just how long it takes her to make. The Yellow Subject, in turn, listened intently to the Prime Subject, even when the Prime Subject would speak for hours on end.

Today when I awoke, my scales had faded back to green, and the Prime Subject seemed incredibly grateful for the Yellow Subject’s assistance. The Yellow Subject shied away from the Prime Subject’s words, but a touch to her shoulder seemed to empower the Yellow Subject, who suddenly embraced the Prime Subject and brought their mouths together!

I almost broke my act right then and there; I’ll admit, I’ve grown more attached to the Prime Subject than is professional, and I would act to defend her if necessary, especially from the sudden cannibalistic tendencies of her friends. Fortunately, it proved unnecessary; rather than screaming in pain, the Prime Subject seemed to enjoy the Yellow Subject chewing on her mouth, and I realized that ponies have very… peculiar methods of expressing their love.

After a long time of that, the Yellow Subject departed – quite reluctantly, it seemed – and the Prime Subject expressed a level of happiness unseen before, even from her.

This courtship promises to bring us new insight into the pony mindset, and it is my honour to record it all.

——-

Piggy Comments:

Alien researcher Gummy, yes. I love this - it’s pure ridiculousness, and the pseudo serious tone just sells it. I love the intelligent nature of Gummy’s writings, and especially the way that he refers to Pinkie and Fluttershy - the Prime and Yellow Subjects make me laugh far more than they should, and even wrapped in comedy their budding relationship is sweet and wonderful. Nicely done, Krizak!